lalala

i'm back to write some shitty poetry
about why i love him
and why...

he kissed me and kissed me again
and then i came back for more

why did i do that?
i know i know i know
it's all wrong
but it's all so right
and i like him inside out and funny

dirty hair and a melted m&m in my pocket...
i am icky girl today

an apartment full of odds and ends and boxes yet to be unpacked
potential settling...potential chaos
soup at andrea's house that i picked up and brought over to eat on her couch
yummy
tomorrow... working a split shift... so evil sounding... aptly so.
bleh.
no christmas presents
no food in the fridge
no style in my hair

oh well
i feel happy today

i sure do wish i was smarter... hm... maybe not even smarter... more efficient. or... i dont know maybe my blatant ignorance really is some form of bliss. whatever.

i guess we all deal with our own forms of insecurity in our own way. no one knows everything... and faith is being sure of what we hope for... certain of what we do not see... or something like that my memorization tends toward the abstract.

you want to know what is really funny? that even though i place a higher value on the more solid things like understanding and wisdom and faith.... i still want to be liked. such a glossy surface coat of niceness... they like me!!! they really like me!!!! craziness. ah well...

so i have a date tomorrow night... and so thoughts of what to wear... what to say... what not to say... whether to insist on paying my half... what to wear... how to say hi... how to smile... what to WEAR for goodness sake!!! and so on flood my brain, and i continue to waste valuable time that ought to be spent on school work, for crying out loud!!!
but i am thoroughly and completely excited about this venture as it's been a while baby... a good loooong while since i dated anyone. and the only people showing interest were guys leaning out their car windows in france to say the french equivallent of Joey's "how you doin'". so he seems like a chill guy and i figure this oughta be a fun time. dinner and a movie... movie and a dinner. this has GOT to be love, right? ;) well i'm on break from class and basically just killin some time. so although i'm not reallyin the mood to get back to class... i betta run baby.

Been a while baby, oh yeah it's been a while... so the photoshoot was a nightmare of cosmic proportions... i cringe as i think of it... just felt like a fool of sorts. not that it went badly. i got good reviews from my friends and family over my finished work, but then i freaked out and ended up dying a million times in small agonizing mini-demises... basically i first attempted to over charge my client... then realized my mistake but not until she so awkwardly pointed it out... then, i started my panicking and gave her all the negatives, AND all the crap shots that didn't work out... no-no!!! you didn't!!! but i did. so then, she had paid me and all that and i could have washed my hands of the situation but instead i hopped on to a guilt trip headed for disaster, and refunded $20 to her, leaving me w/ a profit of $30... sort of. i am a business idiot...

oh yeah, good news, i am currently displaying a work of art in a local gallery! this will be my first! hurrah! the piece is entitled "... mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart" so anyway... i felt a little vulnerable tacking that title on it... but it was on my mind when i was painting it and seemed to fit well enough...

so the photography shoot was pulled off rather nicely! took four hours for four rolls of film to be shot... but the results appear to be worth it, and even if i don't really end up making much off of it, i'm glad for the experience... am in the process of putting the color proofs into a book, and i need to take the b&w negs down to the shop to print the good ones.
anyway, hopefully that will turn out good.

so... i am feeling the necessity to be out on my own again... to have the right to be a slob in my own room for no good reason if i want to...
i don't know... i grew up in a "colorful" house hold... always messy cluttered and disorganized... and somehow that is just comfortable for me now. some days i despair and wonder if i will ever be "normal" and tidy and "house beautiful"-ish. i nurse dreams of beautiful furniture with strategically placed chenille throws tossed across them... and the plants and the candles and the photos all in coordinatingly elegant picture frames... and then i go home to my room with it's funky colors and interesting clutter and papers scattered aimlessly about the pile of laundry.... and it's just home you know... it's where i live and i like it. and then gramma (bless her, she's a dear and all) comes in with good intentions and formulas and the vacuum cleaner... and i feel invaded upon. i'm non confrontational and all but i went so far as to ask her for a "favor" this morning... that she leave my stuff alone... well it didn't go over too well. why? because it's her house and she is right... i don't even deny that... i just get frustrated. with myself for not being the "normal" tidy girl, and with her for being controlling in that small manner.